Luke

An Objective List Of The Best Halloween Candies

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Halloween is here once again, and that means it’s time to release my inner child (not that I ever did a good job suppressing it) and put an end to a classic schoolyard debate. Which Halloween Candy is best?

 

In this Halloween Power ranking, I’ll be using science to determine the greatest candies available to give our young ones sugar rushes and tummy aches. Your opinion may differ, but that’s okay because I’m sure you are wrong about other things, too. 

 

  1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Simply put, this is the holy grail of halloween candy. If you get a Reeses from a house, you know they’re cool. They might see you teepee the neighbor’s house, but they ain’t gonna snitch.

 

  1. Skittles 

Skittles have made a surge in the popularity rankings over the last few years as the internet has allowed kids to discover the forbidden knowledge of eating the entire bag at once. They grow up so fast.

 

  1. Trolli Sour Gummy worms

Look, these things are morsels from the heavens. But on halloween you don’t get the standard full size. No you get a little bag with, like, 4 mini gummy  worms. It’s a treat for ants. It’s unacceptable and thus must be deducted points for such. 

 

  1. M&M’s

The M&M’s have been broiled in controversy over the last year and a half, leading to their deduction in the rankings. I know it, you know it, we all know it. The Yellow M&M has gotten dumber over the years. Fans are outraged, and so am I.

 

  1. Dove Milk Chocolate Bar

 

  1. Nerds Rope and/or Gummy Clusters

They’re the same thing cut into different sizes, and they both slap.

 

  1. Twix (Right)

 

  1. Starburst

Nothing quite hits the highs of starburst’s blast of flavors like orange and red, but its long term growth potential is hampered by Yellow. 

 

  1. Kit Kat

 

  1. Twix (Left)

 

  1. Hershey’s Chocolate

You get points for a crowd pleaser if you give this out… But you also lose points on originality. 

 

  1. Snickers

 

  1. Sour Patch Kids

Something has to be said for giving a small child an even smaller, more sour version of themselves.

 

  1. 3 Musketeers

Three Musketeers have been on a downward slide since the 4th musketeer, Steven, died tragically in a freak Musketeering accident.

 

  1. Butterfinger

 

  1. Almond Joy

 

  1. Nerds (purple box)

 

  1. Nerds (pink box)

 

  1. Almost every other Candy

 

 

 

  1. Tootsie Rolls

Have you ever heard a kid say “Yipee! A Tootsie Roll?” … Yeah me neither.

 

  1. Frooties 

These are knock offs of Tootsie rolls, one of the least wanted candies of all time. If you are giving these out, know that you are partially responsible for making an innocent child’s day worse.

 

  1. Werther’s Originals

I didn’t realize they did trick or treat in the retirement home.

 

  1. A Rock

 

  1. Necco Wafers

If I wanted to eat chalk, I’d just go visit the brainerd public school and lick a chalkboard.

 

  1. Space left intentionally blank

 

  1. Circus Peanuts.

I’d rather eat the bottom of a pen of a circus elephant. 

 

  1. Fruits (of any kind)

Look, I’m gonna be real with you. What candy you give out says a lot about you. If you give out a fruit, you are basically saying “Hello you precocious young scamp. My name is Ken Thomas and I’m a square. This is an invitation for you to tell your teenage siblings that I’ll be open to getting my house teepeed this evening. Why, you can even join in on the fun too! Just make sure to do it after I go to bed at 6:30pm so I can wake up for a big surprise tomorrow. Now run along you little rascal, you.”